


How I Got Here

by MagentasNightmare



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, DON'T LIKE - DON'T READ (I'm not changing what I write for anyone:), F/M, Merle is retelling his life story, New love, POV First Person, Sad Story, ge, overcoming addiction, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-25 18:33:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6206035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagentasNightmare/pseuds/MagentasNightmare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merle is telling a story of his experiences. Not much more I can say beyond that this is a short first person POV tale, except the last chapter, and pretty sad in places. It's different from anything else I've written but I hope someone will like it anyway. Love ya Teagan XO</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**How I got here...** _   
_**^CHAPTER 1** _

If you really wanna know how I got here, I can tell you, but it's a long story. I don't even know where to start or how much you wanna hear, or how much you need to hear.  
I suppose I'll just ramble and tell you what I can remember until my time is up. I may as well begin right from the start since you're a captive audience. I'll flop around a little probably, but I'll get it all out in time.  
They could make a movie about what happened, but it would be a damned depressing movie in places. Some people like that shit, sad stories. I might like it too if I hadn't lived through one.  
Fuck it! I better start now, or we'll be here all night.  
I was born in Georgia 42 years ago. We were poor, and I never had a new bike. Awwww! Right?  
That wasn't that bad part, all the kids I grew up with had nothing either. The bad part was my dad; he's the one who taught me to screw up. He let us down all the time, and the really funny part is I grew up hating the bastard for it, but then I just turned into him.  
He liked to bet on horses, my old man. I'm as useless a gambler as he was but I don't think anyone wins at gambling anymore, it ain't designed that way. The house always wins...if they don't get your money, they get your soul.  
His name was Angus, my dad, and he was an alcoholic on top of being a useless gambler. You're gonna think he used to hit my mom now, and you'd be wrong, but it definitely fits the bill, right? He used to ignore her; it's a whole different kind of abuse. My mom was Annie, and I don't think, to this day, that I really knew anything about her. I don't know what music she liked or what food....nothing. She just took care of the house, and when my dad would come home penniless and drunk, she'd just work around it. She wouldn't yell or scream or anything, it's like she had no emotions but I think she just hid it all. I'd be just stewing in it, angry as hell, waiting for the day when she'd belt the old fool, but it never happened.  
She just put up with it for years and then suddenly she was gone. I thought he'd go first with how much he drank, but it was her, just an aneurysm one morning. She died as she lived, silently and without explanation. He carried on for another 10 years, borrowing money, losing money, drinking and basically just being useless.  
I was left without parents by the time I was 30, and I was just like my dad already. How do we turn into the people we hate? I wanted to be everything but like him. When I was a little kid, I wanted to own a garage and fix cars. I wanted to be a big man who everyone looked up to and have pretty girls falling all over themselves to be with me, but I just ended up like him.  
Basically, my childhood wasn't so great, but I better get moving on with this story so here goes.  
I was working as a welder when I met Darlene, and she was working as a medical secretary. I flirted with her while I was at the doctor's office begging for a sick note for work. I flirted just out of habit, but this time it worked, much to my surprise. I chased women pretty often and never expected more than a nervous giggle from them. Darlene fell for my stupid line on the very first attempt and before I knew what hit me I was picking her up and taking her out for dinner.  
I took her to the pizza place on Eighth Avenue, and if I'm being honest, I was really only looking to get laid. It's not that I thought she didn't deserve more, but I had nothing else to offer. I gambled away most of the money I earned, and I drank too much in those days, all I was good for was one night. Any longer than one night and she'd figure out I was worthless anyway.  
Much to my dismay, I liked her more than expected to so I lied to her, about everything.

 _#####################_  
_“That line never worked before; I don't know if I really like you or if I should doubt your sanity.”_  
_“It was cute; it made me laugh.”_  
_“Doesn't take too much then, I like that in a woman.”_  
_“Yeah? What else do you like in a woman?”_  
_“Ones that laugh at my jokes and fall for my lines is enough. I don't have much else to impress ya.”_  
_“You're sweet, Merle, I can tell.”_  
_“Pffft! Yep, I like you.”_  
_#####################_

I should have told her I had no money, and if I got any I'd lose it, but I didn't. I should have informed her that I was often drinking before noon and had no intention of getting help, but I didn't.  
That first date with Darlene had me lying through my teeth about wanting commitment and a family and being a nice churchgoing boy. I don't know what the hell possessed me, but I lied to that woman constantly, cause I liked her so much. Maybe if I told her the truth, she could have run, and it would have been better that way, but something tells me she would have still taken a chance on me cause she liked me too.

I know she must have loved me pretty quick cause my lies didn't hold up for long and within the first month or so she had a pretty clear picture who I really was. I hurt her over and over and over just by being me and for a long time she took it.  
It wasn't all bad, though, there were some really good times thrown in there too. We used to go fishing together during the periods when we weren't arguing about something stupid I'd done. Darlene loved to fish and hunt and just be outdoors; we had that in common. Her dad was a farmer, and we spent a lot of time in the woods. We had some great times when things were good, for some reason she was just happy to be with me.  
Somehow all the good times were enough to make up for all the bad for her, and within 6 months we were living together.  
I tried then, not that I succeeded in the end, but I really did try to make it right with her. Every few weeks I'd lose most of my paycheck and be short on the bills, and she'd get upset, and we'd fight. I'd work extra to make up for it and promise her it was over and sweet talk her ear off. I'd buy her flowers and make nice, slow love to her till she forgot all about it. It would happen again, though, and she knew it would.  
The really sad part was that she knew what a fuck up I was and yet she loved me anyway. She knew I'd only let her down but she didn't want to be without me, that's what really hurts to this day. If she'd been oblivious or simple then maybe I could have told myself it was OK, what I did to her, but she knew who I really was.  
Darlene ended up pregnant not long after we moved in together. I was so sure that would be it, and I'd get my life right for the baby. I wonder if my dad told himself the same thing when I came along, he may very well have.  
My dad liked to bet on horses but I was easy, there's nothing I wouldn't bet on. It was the adrenaline of it, the fierce determination inside that I was right when deep down I knew I wasn't. It felt like I was constantly trying to prove something to myself that I knew damn well wasn't true. They say it's a disease and that may be the case, what I did was sick.

 _###################_  
_“I'm paying bills.”_  
_“So?”_  
_“So, I need your check.”_  
_“Uh.....yeah. I forgot it in the office at work.”_  
_“Bring it tomorrow, OK? We have to pay the rent too, and I missed a couple days with my morning sickness.”_  
_“Sure...sure...”_  
_“You do have it, right?”_  
_“Of course. Don't you trust me?”_  
_“I want to, baby...I really want to.”_

_####################_

I lied and lost and made Darlene miserable all the way through the pregnancy while telling myself when I got enough to get what the baby needed that I'd stop. I didn't make a lot of money at my job, and neither did she. Every single time I went to the store to price out baby things the more I thought we shouldn't be having a child. I thought it was the worst idea in the world at the time, but I couldn't tell her that, she was too excited.  
The day Hayden was born, though, that's the day I knew he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was scrawny and jaundiced and helpless, and I loved him right away.  
I had it all then, and I could have kept it too, but I chose a different path. I really don't want to tell you this story cause, like I said before, it's a miserable tale. I have to tell it to as many people who will listen, though, for myself and maybe for you.  
The thing is, maybe you're me at this point in the story and maybe I can stop you before you turn into me later on in the story. That'll make it worth it to tell you cause God knows I can't change my story now, I can only use it to maybe change yours.


	2. Chapter 2

_**^CHAPTER 2** _

I wanted everything to work with my new little family so bad and for a while it did. I pulled it off for some of the first year but I was stressed and got to drinking more. The drinking went up and down but it was never stopped completely and the more I drank the more I gambled. Having a baby in the house is intense, don't let anyone tell ya any different.

They cry so hard and you're left standing there wondering what the hell they want from you. You love them so damn much and they can't give you any idea what the problem is.

I stayed up that whole first month with the little guy cause Darlene had a really bad time of it. When the baby came she ended up in labor for 2 days and then she pushed for hours and still ended up with a c section. She was a real trooper though fuck! I still get the shivers just thinking of it. I couldn't watch suffering like that without feeling like a prick for knocking her up in the first place. You're helpless in that room, just watching the woman you love going through hell.

Funny thing though when I brought him in the room it's like nothing happened. She was all excited and I knew she'd never love anyone the way she loved him.

That's how it's supposed to be though, right?

##################

"What are we calling him then?"

"Hayden Andrew Merle Dixon."

"Works for me. He's so little, I watched them put a band around his ankle before they wrapped him up and he's all scrawny and bowlegged like he just got off a horse."

"What kind of thing is that to say about your own son?"

"He's perfect! I didn't mean nothin' by it."

"I know, I'm only teasing. He is perfect...just perfect."

"You did so good, honey. You're tough as nails."

"I love you, Merle."

"I love you too. This is the best day right here, isn't it?"

#####################

In the end, her love for him is what won out and I'm not even sad it did. She was always a great mom.

I worked while she stayed home with him recovering. We lived in a little rented house and when things were good, man they were so good. Hayden came a couple months before Christmas and I went stupid, as if he'd even have a clue what Christmas was. I got him toys and clothes and filled a stocking for the little begger, I was excited.

When he was a little bigger I took the boy everywhere with me and showed him off to anyone who'd look. I never thought I'd be a dad, I didn't think I wanted it. Sometimes I'd let her nap and I'd take him for walks down to the river in his stroller. I never told her about this but I'd sit there and watch the water move and talk to him, I'd told him everything. He heard all about my past and my parents and about my addictions, not that he was old enough to understand a word of it. Hayden was less than a year old and here I was dumping my shit on him but I swear he got it in his own little. You should have seen his face, he was looking at me like Yeah, Dad, you're a real fuck up, but you're still OK by me .

I could always make him laugh, and I'd get down on the carpet and play with him a lot, I loved it.

When he was teething, I'd rock him and take him out in the car late at night to stop him screamin' the house down. I like to think he knew I had his back even if I did a lot of screwing up too.

It was never my intention to miss any time with him, but that's exactly what happened.

Don't get me wrong in all this though; I was still gambling and drinking too much. I was still being an idiot, but I did a few things right too. I always loved him even though I didn't know how to keep it all together.

Maybe I fucked it all up cause my dad did, maybe I was just prone to addiction, I still don't know to this day. I could take the easy way out and say it was my destiny to fail just like my dad but it was a choice, I could have stopped it, but I didn't know how at the time. All I do know is that I needed help to get right but by the time I figured that out I'd reached rock bottom...I'll get to that.

I started messing around with gambling on sports and playing blackjack around Hayden's first birthday. Like I said, there's no way I wouldn't gamble my money away.

When I say it now like this I'm thinking just what you are..trust me, I see it now.  It was like a slow moving train, and there I was, standing on the tracks flipping the damn thing off till it ran me down.

The guy in town who ran the gambling racket and all the petty criminal activity was Tony Dabrovska, and he didn't take shit. I don't think any of those kinds of guys do; they don't have to cause they have a bunch of other assholes around who'll sort their shit out for them.

I gambled through him and his cronies, like a moron, for about a year before everything came crashing down...Hayden would have been about two then.

The house we lived in was a dump, but it was our dump. We didn't have much, but overall we were happy. Every few weeks she'd have enough of my nonsense and my gambling, we'd be short for groceries or bills, and she'd tell me to get out.

I'd leave for an hour and have a drink at the local bar, whining that she was hard on me until it dawned on me that I was the one who was wrong and go crawling back. It was always the same too, I'd turn up at the door with cheap flowers and a hangdog expression on my face, and she couldn't resist me. Damn! How that woman loved me...I never deserved that.

I'd come in and sweep her into my arms and take her to bed. That was my favorite part of fucking up, Darlene taking me back was my favorite. I got hooked on pushing her, just to see how much she loved me and how easily she'd take me back. It was like a high, as much of a high as gambling or drinking. Nobody ever loved me like she did, at that point, and I abused it something fierce. I could write you a long list of things I regret, and that would be up around the top of it.

Making love to her was always the best after I'd really fucked up cause I'd try so hard to show her why she should still want me. I'd spend hours just kissing her and holding her and convincing myself that it was OK to drive her crazy cause maybe she liked the making up part too. We'd make love for hours, and afterward, I'd watch her sleep and then go look at Hayden. They were mine, and I thought they always would be. I never thought I could make her not love me anymore...until I did.

There's all these different kinds of love; I know that now. I learned a lot about love in my life, and a lot of it was hard lessons to learn.

I ended up owing Tony more than the usual, and we were so behind on the rent, that I told her I'd been paying, and we got evicted.

Darlene lost her mind, quite rightly, and that time wasn't so easy. She made me leave for a whole week, and it got my head right...for a while.

It's a sad, sad thing when you have two addictions that work hand in hand and every single person you meet just thinks you're an idiot. Maybe I was, who knows? I had two hands strangling me, and all I had to do was scream for help, and I didn't have to lose a thing. I was drowning, only feet from the shore like a complete fool and staying silent.

When we had to leave the shitty little house, she was livid. She packed up her things and cried so hard, and I swear I never felt so low, at the time.

I had to move us to an apartment in an even worse neighborhood, and she cursed me for weeks. She took me back though; I thought she always would if she did that time.

My mom always tolerated it, and something told me that Darlene knew, deep down, how much I loved her and it would always be enough.

We were in the apartment for only a few months when shit got even worse. I got laid off from my welding job, and I walked the streets trying to find something else every day. Kids cost a lot of money, and after a few weeks of no luck she got really upset, but I was trying.

The pressure got hot, and the little guy was suffering with a bad ear infection at the time. We sat with him in the ER for hours and finally got him the prescription he needed, but we were down to our last pennies at the time. I managed to borrow money from the last friend who trusted me to get his medicine, but things were getting rough.

Darlene was always so pretty, too pretty to be caught dead with the likes of me but she was starting to look so tired, I was wearing her out. I think that's what happened in the end, she wanted to keep loving me, but she was just too tired.

I felt worthless when I couldn't provide for my family anymore. There were no jobs, and we got desperate.

That's when I made the fateful mistake and took a long shot. I gambled money with Tony that I didn't even have, trying to make some back. The bet was big and really stupid. Hayden was growing so fast and needed new clothes and good food, all kinds of things. Toddlers always need things, books, toys, sippy cups, clothes, milk, medicine, it never stops.

I lost the bet...and I lost them.

Tony and his boys came to take her car on Easter Sunday; I had no money to pay them back what I owed.

Her mother had loaned us enough money to make a decent supper for Hayden and to get him Easter stuff, a stuffed rabbit and chocolate eggs.

That was the day I lost my family, and I still hate Easter to this day even though it was all my fault.

Darlene had been supporting the whole family on her income, and it just wasn't enough as it was. Without the car she had to bus it to work, I never saw her so mad in my life.

Bless her heart, she just had enough.

##########################

"Get out!"

"Relax...let's just talk-"

"No, I don't want any more of your lies. I can't do it anymore! You're killing me, Merle!"

"I'll get you a new car, I promise."

"With what? You have no job!"

"There are no jobs; I can't find one."

"Then you shouldn't have been gambling away money you don't have, should you?"

"I know, I'm sorry...I was trying to make some back."

"How many times do you have to lose before it's enough? I just can't do this; you have to leave. I'm not having Tony fucking Dabrovska coming to my house! The man is a nutcase criminal, Merle!"

"I won't do this again, Darlene. I promise."

"I'm done, Merle! Now we don't have a car to take Hayden anywhere, for me to get to work or anything else!"

"I know, I'm sorry....I can change!"

"I'm not giving you another chance to. If it was just me, I'd probably let you mess me around forever, but you aren't messing with Hayden."

###########################

I knew from the look in her eyes that it was different and I left as I always did to give her time to calm down. I didn't come back until I knew Hayden was in bed and when she answered the door, I just knew my hangdog routine wouldn't work anymore.

I tried to get her to listen, but she wasn't having it. I even begged once I realized I was drowning.

I took it for granted so many times and she just couldn't take it anymore. She let me gather up my things, but I had no idea where I was supposed to go.

Leaving Hayden was the hardest thing I ever did, but she said that bringing criminals around to take our stuff was not something a good father would do. She was right, I screwed up too badly, and I couldn't fix it.

I just wanted to see him still, under any conditions she set. I didn't care if it was supervised or only around her schedule, but she said no.

That got to me more than anything else, not being able to see him. I never got over being kept from him, and I'll get to that part too, but there's other stuff to tell you first.

I wished I could remember really clearly the last time we made love cause it never happened again. I swear I thought she'd take me back and we'd fall into bed just like always, and then I'd wander down the hall to kiss Hayden goodnight and tell him how daddy fucked up again, but mommy forgave me.

She was done, and all the pleading made no difference.

I thought for sure when I broke down and bawled like a child that she'd take pity but I'd made her cry a lot too, and it didn't phase her.

I was never gonna love again, I didn't even want to live. I very seriously contemplated ridding the world of me but I just kept going despite having no reason to.

###############################################

Please hang on with me, I know this story is dark as hell but please trust that the end will be worth it.

I don't know why this story came out this way, but it's been in my head for a while. I feel like Merle is a character who struggled a lot with what he feels was expected of him, which I'm assuming wasn't much based on his upbringing. He seemed to me to always have a good heart and loyalty for the one person he loved which was obviously Daryl but still struggled with drug addiction and the things he used to cope with his childhood. This story is my attempt to bring out some of Merle's good and not so good traits in an AU setting just to see him go through some serious trials and then come out the other side.


	3. Chapter 3

**_^Chapter Three_ **

I crashed on the couch of a guy I worked with who also got laid off from the pipefitters; he was a welder too. I couldn't stay very long though cause he had a girlfriend who couldn't stand the sight of me and wasn't shy about letting me know. Within the week, I'd run out of options.

I tried to tell Darlene I'd be on the street but she wouldn't let me come back. She said she didn't want to see me again till I had my addictions under control, but I had no roof over my head. It happened too fast for me to even make sense of it today, but before I knew it, I was spending my first night at the shelter.

I had nothing and nobody, it was looking bleak. I could have sworn she'd want me back by the two-week mark but apparently, my charms weren't going to get me through the door, and the makeup sex would never happen.

I sat on a cot with a scratchy, green army style blanket staring at a room full of other men who had nowhere else to go. I knew damn well how I got there and I wanted to go back to really change this time but I couldn't.

The rest of the men in the room looked like they didn't know how they got there.

It was miserable, I just kept calling and calling, but she wasn't having it. I missed Hayden constantly; I just wanted to see him so bad, I was afraid he'd forget all about me. I never felt so low in my whole life.

This story it depressing, right? I bet it makes your life seem pretty sweet. Yeah, I never thought I'd sink so low either. I had a roof over my head and a woman I loved and a baby, then next thing you know I was on a cot in a big, cold room with a bunch of strangers.

I should have gotten help long before that cause I knew damn well I needed it but I was always one good bet away from quitting gambling, I just wanted to make back what I lost but you never can. Once you've lost it, you're just throwing good money after bad. The high I got from the handful of times I won sustained me through countless losses, I still have no idea how.

No matter what I did, she just wouldn't listen, and she wouldn't let me see our son, that's the one thing that killed me. I wouldn't blame her for never wanting me back or being mad at me forever but not letting me even visit him was a step too far, she was really punishing me.

I ran out of reasons to stay sober pretty quick, and I hit what I thought was rock bottom. I drank cheap booze that I bought from panhandling as often as I could. I spent my days with another guy who had lost everyone too. Axel was at the bottom of the well like me, and we swapped sob stories over cheap wine that could choke a horse.

I wandered the street all day; I belonged nowhere and to nobody anymore. I sat in the park, ate at the soup kitchen, and got drunk. For 2 months that's all I did, cause she wasn't picking up anymore, no matter how many times I called. I couldn't get a job without an address, and I couldn't get an address without a job, I was screwed.

I found a place one day in my wandering that was just a good place to sit, that was enough. All I really wanted was a place to be for a while where nobody would look down at me and remind me how low I'd gotten. This place was perfect, it was at the back of a bowling alley in a shitty neighborhood, and this is where the next chapter of my story began.

There were three picnic tables where the staff had smoke breaks. There was nothing but gravel, weeds, and graffiti and it didn't look like the kind of place your life could change, but that's where mine did.

It was hot and humid the first day I ended up sat there. I was rolling a cigarette in rolling papers and dropping most of the the tobacco in my lap when a woman walked out and just looked at me. I froze. I was half cut, and it wasn't even noon yet, and I just looked at her.

##############################

"Sorry, I was just rolling a smoke. I'll go."

"It's fine. Go ahead and sit. That's a sad lookin' smoke...here, have one."

"No, I'm OK."

"Take it."

"Thanks."

#####################

She had dirty blonde hair and an apron on that probably used to be white at one point, but now it was filthy. She looked kinda tired and sweaty, but when she got up after her smoke and smiled at me, she looked like the prettiest thing I ever saw.

She told me I could come and sit there anytime I wanted to, and I just nodded, it had been weeks since anyone smiled at me and it messed with my head a little. The one smile had me feeling human again for a moment.

I told Axel about her right away when I got back to the shelter, and he told me to get my head out of my ass and focus on trying to get my wife back. I did want Darlene back, it's all I thought about but so much time had passed, and she wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't know what to do.

I kept going back to the bowling alley cause the pretty woman there was the only person who'd smile at me, and I didn't even know her name yet. That's all it was at first, a nice place to sit, where it was out of the street, and a smile.

The next time I saw her, she gave me another cigarette and asked me my name. I never liked my name and almost considered telling her something different, it didn't really matter who I was anymore.

##########################

"Merle? Never met a Merle before. I'm Abby."

"Thanks for letting me sit here, and for the smoke."

"No problem, it's always nice not to sit alone."

"True."

"The weather's nice today. Wish I wasn't stuck inside, it would be a nice day to lay in the sun."

"Yeah, it would."

"See you tomorrow?"

"Is it really OK that I come here?"

"It's fine; I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah...thanks."

###########################

She must have known I was homeless; I sure looked like it. I always had on the same jeans and t-shirt, and I never had anywhere else to be except there, but she never asked.

I never stopped trying to see Hayden, that's the one thing I'm gonna tell you in my own defense. I put cards in the mailbox begging to see him; I called almost every day, I really did try. I gave up on myself, but Darlene can never say I gave up on him.

Soon it had been almost 3 full months since I'd seen him and the only things familiar and nice in my life were Axel and Abby.

I felt like a stray cat that she was feeding with kindness but I depended on her smile just to keep going, it was literally all I had at the time. Sometimes she'd bring me a coffee or something from the bowling alley to eat. It was the way she did it that made me like her so much; she really went out of her way to make it seem like I was doing her a favor. I knew damn well she was just doing it so I wouldn't feel bad and she didn't have to do it, but she always did.

##########################

"Hey, Merle."

"Hey. How's your day goin'?"

"Pretty good but my cookies for the concession are not going over well at all, nobody likes 'em."

"No? I bet they're fine."

"Here, maybe you'll have a better taste in food than those idiots."

"They taste fine to me."

"You have them then. I can't finish them all anyway; my blood sugars are all over the place these days."

"Diabetic?"

"Yep. I gotta go, it's busy in there today. For some reason and my kitchen guy didn't show up again. You wanna finish my coffee?"

"You didn't even drink any yet."

"I know. See you tomorrow, Merle."

#########################

Sometimes she'd put mayo on her sandwich and claim she hated mayo so she'd ask if I could eat it for her. Sometimes she'd pack too many muffins, but she never once made it look like charity. Abby was so easy to like and be around. When you're homeless, you disappear except when you're in the way, and then you're just a nuisance. I was never a nuisance to her, and it meant everything to me.

Soon she was asking me more about myself, and as much as I hated to admit it, I knew she already knew the truth. I told her I was living at the shelter and that's when I realize who I was talking to.

It turned out the bowling alley was hers. She'd been married for years, and she and her husband had owned it together. Her old man died of a heart attack before he even reached 40 and now it was hers, so she offered me a job. I told her I wasn't homeless by accident; I had earned it.

I tried everything to convince her I'd only let her down; I wasn't about to let another woman walk into my life without warning her first that I was trouble, but she still insisted.

She invited me in after the alley closed on a Sunday and we talked properly...I told her everything.

######################

"So your wife won't even let you see him?"

"No. It's been months, but I really fucked up."

"You did, but I think you should still be allowed to see him. It sounds like you were a great father, but you just struggle with addiction problems."

"Yeah, but addiction problems are big."

"I know. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself."

"Seriously? How do you do it?"

"One day at a time. I tell you what, serving booze in here never gets easy and it's been 7 years, but I'll keep fighting it."

"That's amazing! So you get it then."

"I do. There is a way back, you know? If you can get some help and work hard then maybe you can get them back."

"You think?"

"I sure hope so. I can see how much you love them."

"I kills me not to see him, and I'm trying not to be angry with her, but it's not easy."

"Just start with right now. Come to work tomorrow and go get some help as soon as you can. I'll be here for you."

"But why?"

"We all need a hand sometimes, I sure did. My husband saved me; he was a really good person. I miss him."

"I don't wanna let you down."

"Don't worry about letting me down, Merle. Just focus on not letting yourself down."

##########################


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter Four_ **

I went back to the shelter and took my last five dollars to the laundromat with Axel. I told him about the job offer and said I'd see what I could do about helping him get a job there too once I got settled.

I knew it would be hard to go all day without drinking, so I found an outpatient program that agreed to talk to me about getting help while working. The shelter was full of advice when it came to giving up an addiction, so I finally took some. The drinking and the gambling always went hand in hand, and they said they could help with both.

I got all my clothes clean and walked back to the shelter to try my nightly call home and finally she answered.

##########################

" _Hello?"_

" _Darlene, it's me. Don't hang up!"_

" _What is it?"_

" _I need to see him, Darlene, please."_

" _Where are you?"_

" _I've been living in the shelter since you threw me out. I couldn't find a job, and I had nowhere else to go."_

" _I'm sorry about that, but you chose it."_

" _I know but I found a job now, and I'm getting help for all my problems. I need to see Hayden; it's killin' me."_

" _I want to let you, but you have to get your life straight, you have to."_

" _I'm working on it; I'm trying."_

" _Fine. You can come on Saturday in the afternoon."_

" _Thank you, I'm gonna make it right this time...you'll see."_

" _Uh huh...see you then."_

##############################

Things started to look up. I arrived bright and early at my new job with the angel who threw me the life preserver, Abby. I hadn't gone a day without drinking in so long that an hour into my shift, working the front counter I was starting to sweat, hard. I took some deep breaths and started to feel nervous but thought maybe I'd just had too much coffee at the shelter that morning, that shit was thick like roof tar and way too strong.

Abby explained to me how to run everything and then left me to it with a pat on the back. I started wondering if I was having a heart attack. I felt anxious like the walls were closing in on me. I tried to hide being sick on the first day; I didn't want her to regret giving me a chance. She was the only one who was offering me work around there, and I didn't want to be a mess it up.

Soon I started to shake, and it scared the hell out of me. I knew it was DTs by this point...I didn't think it had gotten this far. I was full of denial about how much I relied on alcohol. Around lunch time the jig was up, Abby looked at me, and she just knew.

Abby told me to go sit down and call the outpatient group for advice. I was really ashamed until she told me she'd been there too. I asked if I could keep the job and she told me as long as I kept trying I had a job with her.

You get people in life sometimes who stick their neck out for you when they probably shouldn't; these people are not to be taken for granted.

I called the outpatient group who advised me to go to the hospital immediately.

#################

" _I'll drive you there."_

" _I can walk, it's not too far."_

" _I'm driving you there, come on."_

" _Abby, I'm a mess...you don't have to help me."_

" _I want to, and I'm going to unless you tell me to stop. Are you going to tell me to stop, Merle?"_

" _I can't tell you to stop...I need your help."_

####################

Abby didn't just drive me there she took the whole afternoon to stay with me to make sure I got settled. She said it was so quiet that her staff didn't need her hanging around anyway.

I'd never done in-patient treatment or any other kind of treatment. Telling the ER doc that I was an alcoholic was the first time I'd ever admitted it to a professional. Abby sat on a chair right next to me and never flinched, she even held my shaking hand. I could never have done that alone, I would have just ended up having a drink to ease the pain. The doctor put me on sedatives and other meds to help with the symptoms and detox. For a few days, I felt like doped up shit. I felt moments of panic and hours of depression.

I wanted to hold my little boy, and I only had until Saturday to get my shit straight before I got to see him finally. I had to get it together cause if I showed up at Darlene's door like that, I'd never get to see him again.

Abby brought me food, magazines and a small advance on a job I hadn't even started yet. I was convinced then that she must be nuts.

######################

" _Why are you doing this for me? I'm nobody to you."_

" _I told you, I've been there. I had a few people help me at just the right time, and I'm here because of them."_

" _I don't even know when I can repay you for anything."_

" _Repay me by getting better. Just don't give up and maybe you can get it all back, that's all I want."_

" _You're like nobody else, Abby. Thank you."_

" _I'm just paying it forward; you'll probably do it too someday."_

######################

I was released in time to see Hayden, and he was already a different boy, they change so fast at that age. I was really angry at Darlene then for keeping us apart but couldn't say a word to her; I was scared she'd do it again. I made nice and gave her every penny of the money Abby had given me hoping it would convince her to let me see him more.

We made an arrangement that I could come every Saturday, and I was overjoyed. She let me take him to the park and out for ice cream; it was the best day I could have asked for. She was getting along just fine without me, and when I suggested maybe I could come back, she didn't seem interested. I was getting clean, I had a job, and it still didn't matter to her at all. My first instinct was to go and get drunk but then I'd lose out on seeing more of Hayden and then it hit me that I really didn't want to let Abby down either.

I mentioned Abby in passing when Darlene asked who had offered me a job and for the briefest moment she looked jealous. She asked what kind of nut would take a complete stranger to the hospital and I told her that Abby had been through it, so she was just being nice.

Darlene turned her nose up at the idea of anyone helping me just out of the goodness of her heart and then questioned if it was a good idea to be hanging out with another alcoholic. I told her it was just platonic and that Abby had been sober for 7 years, but she still wasn't impressed.

I was walking on eggshells because she could hold my son ransom and no court would ever choose my argument over hers.

I said everything she wanted to hear and did everything she wanted me to do just to see him.

That Monday I got back to the bowling alley, and Abby looked so happy to see me, and I felt human for the first time in ages. I was still stuck at the shelter until I got some proper money rolling in but I had a job, and almost a week of sobriety under my belt, life was looking better.

Every day was still hard, and when I got tired or frustrated or just weak, I'd think about drinking. That lasted for a really long time; I had no coping mechanisms for pain or stress. It didn't help that Axel still drank most of the day, I told him to give getting help a chance, but he wasn't ready, yet so I didn't push.

I talked to counselors every day on the phone, or I'd go to their office after work, they listened to hours of my grumbling. I never talked so much about myself in my whole life, but they just kept listening.

I got to see Hayden every Saturday, and he still remembered me. He called me Dada, and he was starting to communicate so much. I told him I loved him all the time and he could actually say it back in his own little way, and he wasn't even three yet, he was a smart kid.

A month into this arrangement and I was still sober for the first time in years, but I worked on it like it was my job. I kept on working with the outpatient program and if I ever needed time off Abby would let me have it. I talked to counselors and rehab specialists, and it turned out all the things I thought were unique about my addictions really weren't. My story was one they'd all heard before, but that was encouraging cause they'd helped a bunch of people just like me. I finally believed that recovery was possible and I wasn't a lost cause.

Darlene said flat out that if she caught me drinking I wouldn't get to come around anymore and I was done risking it. Life in a shelter can smarten a man up pretty quick; it's great motivation.

Finally, after a lot of struggling and saving, I had enough money to move into the most disgusting room in the world above some old guy's garage. I was over the moon. I had Abby to thank for every good thing that happened to me at that point. That job and getting sober is why I was getting to see Hayden.

Abby would sit with me after work, and we'd play cards or shoot pool, she was my closest friend, and I could tell her anything. She made me feel good and worthy, and that was crucial to my recovery, it's almost impossible to help yourself when you think you're worthless.

Abby was the only person to ever visit me at my new place, besides Axel, and she was so excited for me.

#################

" _It's pretty small and it ain't much to look at, but it's OK, right?"_

" _I'm really proud of you...you're doing so well."_

" _I still can't believe I'm not drinking. Some days a whole afternoon goes by, and I don't think about it."_

" _Joke all you want, but you've come so far. Maybe soon you'll get it all back. Is she warming to the idea of letting you move back home?"_

_"I don't think so; I don't think she can stand the sight of me to tell you the truth."_

_"Well, I like the sight of you anyway. I think you look just fine."_

_"You're too nice, Abby, you know that?"_

_"So sue me, I like you."_

" _I'll never understand that Abby, you're the best friend I ever had._

" _Well...you're a good friend too. I'll always be here if you need me, just remember that, OK?"_

#######################


	5. Chapter 5

**_^Chapter Five_ **

My life started to hurt less. I was working and trying to drag Axel along to get help with a little success, he was considering it at least.

I was laughing sometimes again, always with Hayden or Abby. I was a 'one day a week' dad, but I made that day count. I'd be there the second he woke up and keep him until bedtime. I took him to the river a lot just like when he was a baby and I still talked to him about me but I had better things to tell him now. I took him bowling at the alley and he was pretty good for not even being three yet. I showed him off to all the people I worked with but I never told Darlene I took him there, she would have just complained about it.

Talking to people about my problems is what helped, as you can probably tell I got real good at yapping. That's the trick to it, I think. When you get stuff out in the open, you can deal with it. I spent my whole life thinking I was born to be a fuck up and it was just a bunch of crap I told myself. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when you shit-talk yourself all the time. It took me a long time to believe I deserved to be happy.

Abby was the first person I thought about in the morning and the last person I thought of at night, but I still didn't see it for what it was. I'd never been friends with a woman before, so I didn't understand what I was feeling.

She came over and watched movies with me, on the old TV she brought me. We went out jogging a few times, but it hurt like a bitch, and she let me off the hook with that. Basically everywhere I turned and everything I needed, she was there.

Abby came fishing with me in the next few months and we were spending all our time together. She was helping me get my life back and by the time I got it all back, things had changed. One Saturday night I took Hayden back home and things were different with Darlene.

##################

" _So what did you guys do today?"_

" _I took him to the library and then for supper, and he wanted pumpkin pie for dessert, I thought he didn't like that. Then we just went the park and back here. Why?"_

" _You're different now."_

" _God, I sure hope so. I was a mess before."_

" _You look so happy now and healthy, I've never seen you like this."_

" _Yeah, me neither."_

" _Maybe...do you want to stay tonight?"_

" _Where is this coming from?"_

" _Well, you're doing so much better now. Maybe we could think about getting back together."_

" _I never thought I'd hear ya say that."_

" _Don't you want to?"_

" _It's just coming out of nowhere, that's all. It's surprising."_

###################

I didn't know what to think about anything at that point, and I made an excuse to leave and told her I'd really think about it. She seemed OK with that, but I could tell she was insulted that I didn't just jump into bed with her.

It felt wrong now. I didn't want to hold a grudge about being kept away from Hayden, but it was hard not to. I know how much I failed her and him, but I could see now that I had problems and that I was sick before. Now that I was better I wanted to stay well and being around Darlene reminded me so much of my failure and being sick. It wasn't fair to dump that on her, especially since it had always been my fault, but not being able to see Hayden almost killed me and it was hard to forget.

I tried to tell myself to stop being an idiot and that holding a grudge was for kids, but there was more to it than just that. I got home that night and sat up late wondering what the hell to do with my life, and I called the one person who would get it.

Abby came over right away, even though it was late and talked to me till I was sick of my own voice.

She sat in my ugly ass room and listened to me whine for hours, like the angel she was. She supported what she thought I wanted, what I thought I should have wanted.

All Abby ever wanted was for me to be happy. Watch out for people like this because they are special. Some people want what you can give them, and it's completely superficial, and others genuinely want you to be happy.

####################

" _That's good, right? You can have it all now...you sure worked hard for it."_

" _I guess. I just thought she'd be pissed forever; I didn't expect nothing like this."_

" _Looks like she can see all the changes you've made and you can be a family again...that has to make you feel good."_

" _It should, but I'm confused. I want to live with Hayden again, but I don't know if me and her is a great idea."_

" _How come? You love her, right."_

" _I'll always love her, but I don't think I'm in love anymore. I feel like an asshole to even say that after how much I hurt her but it's just not the same now. I'm kinda scared she won't let me see Hayden if I say no but who else would ever want me, right?"_

" _I'm sure someone will, Merle. Give yourself a little time to think, and I know you'll make the right decision."_

" _You sure have a lot of faith in me."_

" _Look at everything you accomplished. My faith in you is well founded."_

" _I said it before, and I'll say it again, you ain't like anybody else."_

" _Neither are you; you're special...to me. I just want you to be so happy, you've earned it."_

###################

I went back to see Darlene a couple days later while Hayden was at her mother's place for the night and I still didn't know what the hell to do. It was raining cats and dogs, storming like hell. The weather felt perfect for how messed up I felt.

She made me a coffee, and I sat down in my old living room with Hayden's toys everywhere, and it felt like I should want to be there but I didn't, not to live anyway. The guilt in my heart at not wanting to live with my own son if it meant being with her was hard to take.

She asked if I'd thought about it and I ended up telling her I wasn't ready to come back. It was a cop out cause I was terrified of pissing her off and losing Hayden. The counselors told me that being honest with people and making decisions that were right for me is how I'd stay sober but it was scary.

She asked if I loved her anymore, and I said of course, but that I didn't think it would work anymore, we were different people now. I didn't want to be upset with her for keeping me away from Hayden, but I was. I spent so much time in the shelter thinking my own son would forget me and never know I loved him, it was really painful.

I don't believe I was ever a real danger to him and it never felt right to be kept away from him for so long. I think if a woman had addiction problems she shouldn't have to be kept away completely from her kids. Even if it's supervised, only on weekends, or with other stipulations, contact with your children is so important. She tried to threaten me with not letting me see Hayden again, but I defended myself. It wasn't easy for me though, after everything I put her through, it was hard to stand up for myself.

I told her that I know I put her through hell and that I'd always be sorry for hurting her but that keeping me away from Hayden wouldn't just hurt me it would hurt him too, and that wasn't fair.

As much as she wanted to kill me at that moment, she had to admit I was good for him and that keeping us apart was wrong.

It was still raining hard when I left the place I once called home, and I only had one place to go. I just knew, right then and there, where I needed to be.

I took a cab right to her house and was drenched in rain like a sad, wet puppy when she opened the door. I'll never forget how she looked at me...

#####################

" _Oh god, Merle! What happened?"_

" _I need to talk to you."_

" _Come in...you're soaked to the bone."_

" _Thanks."_

" _Just stay right there, I'll get you a towel."_

" _Abby, I gotta talk to you about something important."_

" _Of course...but come here and just dry off before you catch your death. Lemme get you a coffee or something."_

" _Just wait a second, I need to tell you something before I lose my nerve. I've been thinking a lot about me and you and I-"_

" _Come inside; we can talk when you're dry."_

" _Just wait! Stay still for a minute."_

" _What is it?"_

" _Can you tell me...if I'm an idiot to think this could be more? Are we just friends?"_

" _Merle...what about your family?"_

" _I have Hayden back but...things just aren't the same with Darlene. You've been the one thing in my life that kept me living and...I love you. You don't have to love me back at all, but I just feel so much for you that I have to tell you. I had nothing and nobody, and then there you were...you saved me."_

" _You don't have to love me just because I helped you...I didn't do it for that."_

" _I know you didn't. I've just been thinking about you in a different way so much lately. I can't stop thinking of touching you and kissing you...I really want to take you to bed, to be honest. You can just tell me to back off, and I'll do it, but you made me fall in love with you...fuck! Did I screw this up?"_

" _Do you really mean that?"_

" _I mean it more than anything. I'm alive because of you, and you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...I want you, Abby."_

###################

Let's just say it went well.

\- Right, Abby?

\- Absolutely!

I just want you to know that redemption is possible and you _can_ do it. Maybe you need to reach out to someone, and if that's the case and you have nobody, I'm here, and Abby's here. Maybe you already have someone in your life to help but just remember that someone is there no matter what.

Me and Abby have to go pick up Hayden for the weekend now but my number is at the back table and if you call me in an hour or Sunday morning or in the middle of the night I'll pick up and we can talk as long as you need to. I was there once and I'll never forget it. I don't care who you are or what you did, if you need someone, I'll be there for you. Thanks so much for listening to my story, it helps me to tell it to people and I hope it helped you too.

Goodnight.


	6. Chapter 6

**_^Chapter Six_ **

That was Merle's favorite part of the whole speech. He'd always grin and walk out of the room, head held high with Abby next to him. He did this talk a couple times a year and it always varied a little, cause he never used speech cards, but the main story was always the same. He just wanted people to know redemption was possible and not to take the people around you for granted. Axel got help eventually and turned it around in his own time too, everything panned out in the end.

It was already 8pm, and the only thing he had planned was picking up Hayden from Darlene's place and then taking him back to his and Abby's house.

He had a home now, a beautiful home and 5 years had passed since Abby had helped him get his life back.

He got in the truck he'd bought with his own money, and the moment she got in beside him he looked right into her eyes and melted. This speech always brought right to the surface what she meant to him. She was his savior and his rock, she had helped him get his son back, and he'd never stop being grateful.

Darlene moved on and met a man who was reliable and good to her, they'd been together for 3 years now, and by all accounts, she was happy with life.

Merle parked up outside her new house and met Cameron at the door. Cameron was an excellent step dad to Hayden and Merle wasn't jealous at all. The way Merle figured it he didn't have one decent dad but Hayden had a two. Too much love for Hayden was not a problem for Merle and besides he and his son shared something special anyway that nobody could change.

"Hey, man. Hayden ready?" he asked.

"Yeah, just a minute. Hayden! Your dad's here!"

Hayden ran up the stairs with a typical Dixon grin on his face and his overnight bag over his shoulder. Hayden was a strong and confident 8-year-old now, and Merle couldn't be more proud.

"Are we having a barbecue still?" he asked.

"Yep, hope you're hungry. Did you win at soccer tonight?"

"Yeah, 4 – 3 against the Fusions. Not bad, right?"

"That's awesome, son! Kiss your mother goodbye, and we'll go eat."

"Bye, Mom, love you."

"Love you, baby. Have a good weekend."

"I will. Bye Mom, bye Cameron."

They all ate enough barbecue to feed the 5000 and Hayden told Merle every detail of his soccer game. Merle kicked the soccer ball around the yard with him for an hour or so as it got darker.

Giving up substance abuse left Merle feeling human and full of life again. His body felt like his again. He had more energy for playing with his son, working, feeling, and making love to his wife. It was a beautiful spring evening to spend outdoors and with the people he loved. Merle was in an ordinary heaven he'd never take for granted.

When Hayden finally drifted off to sleep Merle felt contented; life was as it should be.

Merle's mind started to travel back to the first time he saw Abby. The talk always made him relive everything she meant to him. He was a broken man and her friendship and care was just what he had needed, he wouldn't be here without her. He certainly wouldn't have his son sleeping peacefully upstairs in the room they set up just for him, without her.

She was clearing dishes and wiping the counter, and he looked at her, hungry and full of love. Merle slid in right behind her and kissed the back of her neck as he moved his hands around her waist.

"Is there something you need?" she asked, coyly.

"What do you think?" he growled, turning her in his arms and lifting her onto the counter.

"I think I like where this is headed," she purred.

"You know I always get like this."

He lay his hand on the back of her neck and pulled her body closer to his. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back as he pushed her sweater off her shoulders.

"You're my angel, Abby."

"You're silly, Merle."

"No, I'm not. You saved me, and I love you like crazy...you know that."

His time spent in the shelter seemed like a million years ago most of the time, but on nights like tonight, a roof over his head was extra sweet.

He lifted her into his arms and carried her off to their room and lay her on the bed. It was always perfect with her, passionate and real. She loved all his strengths and his weaknesses.

"Were you thinking of me?" she panted as he pulled her shirt over her head.

"You know I was; I always do...didn't you see me lookin' at ya?" he grinned.

Merle would take all the time necessary to make her feel good; it was an absolute pleasure.

He felt proud, he was a man who had crawled out of the depths to reclaim his life, but none of it would have happened if she hadn't taken pity on him in a back alley one day.

His body, mind, and soul belonged to her.

Merle kissed her neck and ran his tongue over her ear slow and hot like a summer afternoon. It was different with her, right from the start.

This wasn't 'makeup' sex or 'earning back love' sex it was making love, and it always felt right.

He tore the clothes from her body, piece by piece, and kissed her all over. What Merle loved best was feeling like he deserved to be with her, they were equals and he wasn't trying to earn his place with her.

Soon she was bare and beneath him and this was the part of the story he liked best, the present tense.

The past was where he remembered, but the present was where his heart resided.

"I love you..." she panted, pulling his mouth to her breasts.

He loved how desperate she'd get; it made him feel so needed a desirable, a nice feeling for a man that was once homeless.

"You want it?" he grinned.

He moved through all the things she liked best, leaving no stone unturned. By the time he finally entered her she was pleading with him to take her.

It was slow, just to savor it, not for any other reason. He thrusted calm and controlled making her need more with each movement.

"Baby, please...please..."

"Little faster?"

"Uh huh..."

He could take any orders from her, pleasing her was the goal after all.

Before too long, she was crying out his name into the dark and clinging to him, needy and spent.

"Come here, baby," she purred, pulling the quilt over his shoulders.

"Still glad you plucked me out of the alley?" he asked, kissing her forehead and moving all the hair off her face.

"Always...you keep saying how I saved you, but I was really lonely after Mark died and I genuinely liked you."

"Stop. It wasn't just pity?" he joked, pulling her close.

"Nope. I did want to help you, but I thought you were sexy too."

"OK, now you're bullshitting me. I looked rough as shit then."

"I'm not so simple I can't imagine a man with a shower and shave. When I found out you were married I just wanted to help you for a long time but I was always attracted to you."

"You would have let me just go back to her though, you didn't try to stop me," he argued.

"That's what you do when you love someone, you put their happiness before your own. It was never my intention to stop you going back to Darlene if that's what you wanted. I never planned to say a word about it until you showed up at my door soaking wet that night."

Merle felt overwhelmed; she was still surprising him after all this time.

"Don't let me go, ever."

"I won't, you're mine now," she sighed, curling up into his embrace.

~The End~ 

####################################################

 


End file.
